Psychology says – “people are afraid”.
Afraid to try out new things. Afraid to let go off the old ones. Afraid to take risks. Afraid to be lost in a crowd. Afraid to be outspoken. Afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid to “look” vulnerable. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to die. Afraid to live. And afraid to live because they are are afraid to die..
last night while i lay on my bed, the surroundings seemed peaceful.
surroundings? the air was cool. the lights were making beautiful patterns on the walls. little yellow lights in the dark room. the pillows seemed comfortable, trying to put in all effort so that i don’t feel accompanied, lonely and sad.
but despite all the comfort, despite all the prettiness, despite all the perfectness the melancholy does not fail to hit me and i have no idea why..
do i feel sad? yes
am i missing something? i guess!
am i missing some one? many people. many who are extremely important.
am i happy? no
am i content? no
am i ambitious? do i feel ambitious? no
am i afraid to die? no
but this is the thing that scares me the most- i am not afraid to die. i feel lifeless, hopeless but wishful!
i wish i could make a lot of things right. i wish i could go inside a time travel.
there are a lot of things that i am afraid of. “losing myself” up till now topped the list..but right now what just struck me was- do i know myself? how would i define me? and had no idea. I panicked. Got up from the bed, sipped some water and sat down.
is it really important to think about me? all these years i have thought about others, i have cared for others without giving my own emotions, my own feelings were subjected to ignorance, by myself.
so why now am i thinking about me?
i think i am afraid. afraid to lose people i love. i imagined if i were to lose my best friend, my mom, my brother, my friends.
i cried. the pillows soaked the remains of the crystal clear salty drops and i realized in the end nothing remains. just like those tears. after sometime, they disappeared. The damp pillows were dry. the only traces of my fear, my tears were gone.
and i realized everything is temporary. every single thing!
youth wilts, you turn old.
its okay to be afraid. its okay to show that you’re afraid. its okay to howl in a shopping mall if you just feel out of place. its okay to walk a few miles alone if you want to be. its okay to hug your lover in the middle of a serious conversation and tell them that you’re afraid to lose them .
i guess the only thing that we should be afraid of is regret.
regret of not doing things, regret of not saying things that you wished you would’ve said. regrets of not hugging someone tight, regrets of letting some one go, regrets of hiding your tears an fears.
for regret for things that we did can be tempered by time, it is regret for things that we did not do is inconsolable.